If you’re one of my lovely gentleman readers who is squeamish about “female things,” now would be a good time for you to find something a bit less unsettling to read. Like 2,000 pages of ObamaCare legislation.
Take care, and we’ll see you tomorrow. Or after the next election.
Seriously, dad, you’ll want to stop reading now. Or this will be as awkward as the time I answered mom’s phone and you mistook my voice for mom’s.
Just kidding, daddy. Nothing is as awkward as that. Nothing.
EVER.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we just lost my dad.
Alright, ladies, it’s just us now. (And maybe a few, brave fellas who are so curious they can’t help themselves.)
I’d like to talk to you today about birth control and my visit to the “lady doc” yesterday.
After my miscarriage in January, Brian and I decided to give ourselves some time before we attempted to expand our family again. Right away I knew that several birth control options were absolutely out of the question for me: pills of any kind and the NuvaRing were completely off the table.
Why?
First of all, I happen to be one of those people who gets every single side-effect listed on the prescription information sheet.
Dry mouth? Like the Sahara.
Weight gain? How does 35 pounds sound to you?
Irritability? DON’T EVEN ASK.
Dizziness? Try drunkenness minus the alcohol.
For the short time I had a NuvaRing, I broke out in a circular rash on my face. I’m not even kidding. Just ask my husband. It was hideous.
I mean, that rash was birth control enough right there.
Sure, it is entirely possible that 95% of the side effects I feel are psychosomatic, but I am positive there are some that legitimately sneak their way through the hypochondria.
My fantastic “lady doc” (he’s actually a man) recommended that I try the Mirena IUD as an alternative to forms of birth control that bring out the “Katy Ka-boom” in me. (Do y’all remember that sketch on Animaniacs called Katie Ka-boom? Yeah, that’s me on birth control.)
I was a bit skeptical at first, but my doctor assured me it was a great option given my past history (again, see Katie Ka-boom) with the hormones in more common forms of birth control.
I believe it was nothing less than an act of God that I chose to NOT read internet forums before I had the procedure, because…well, it will become obvious if you watch my video about WebMD. Or my other video about WebMD.
Anyhow, yesterday marked one month since my IUD insertion, and this appointment was basically a follow-up. I was actually relieved to have this appointment on the calendar since I have experienced a few mild symptoms I wanted my lady doc to clear up for me: nausea, headaches, loss of appetite, exhaustion (beyond what is normal for me), cramping, and light bleeding every day since the day it was inserted. I’m not overly concerned, but I did want to make sure my symptoms aren’t uncommon.
He reminded me that the hormones in the Mirena IUD are not systemic—meaning, they don’t get into the bloodstream as they do with the pill, for instance. And then he assured me that the symptoms will decrease with time. So I plan to remain patient and off of WebMD and internet forums. So help me if I read one more horror story…
Before I left his office, my doctor wanted to make sure the IUD was still in the appropriate place and not floating around in my colon somewhere.
I don’t even know if that’s anatomically possible. I should have failed 6th grade health.
So, I assumed that impossible yoga-style gynecological position. You know the one. He said, “Put your feet in these metal clamps and then relax your legs out to the side.” Relax? You’ve got to be kidding me! He is a fantastic doctor, but I was tempted to ask him if he’s ever tried to relax in that position. However, I decided it was not exactly an appropriate conversation to have when I had nothing on from the waist down but a flimsy sheet.
As an aside, I find it very interesting that I scheduled this appointment the day after my glamorous photo shoot. It’s like I knew deep down I would need a trip to the lady doc to keep me humble after all that pampering.
But back to my story…
As I “relaxed” my legs and laid back on the torture chair, I was thrilled to see the illuminated, tropical ceiling tiles. Y’all, they had me so mesmerized that I never even realized he used a speculum for my exam! (Insert heavy sarcasm.)
Only a man could have invented those stupid ceiling tiles. And only a man could have invented that stupid speculum.
(Sorry if you’re a man and still hanging in here with us. But it’s absolutely true.)
I can only imagine what went through the mind of the individual who first thought they’d throw up some pretty ceiling tiles above gynecological exam tables. I guarantee you it wasn’t a woman on that torture table, with her legs “relaxed” in a yoga posture, her feet in stirrups, and a speculum in her future just thinking to herself, “You know what would make this situation more comfortable? Tropical fish.”
Do illuminated ceiling tiles relax you during a gynecological exam? (I can’t even type that with a straight face.)
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A chocolate cream filled donut might relax me… with a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. But no, tropical fish would not.
Stephanie W Pretty soon Starbucks will be advertising on those ceiling tiles!
katyinacorner Stephanie W Unless Starbucks is pouring me a hot cup– it is no good! Don’t tease me!! Dunkin Donuts is across the street from my Gyno and I always tried to convince them to let me eat donuts for my glucose test!!!
I don’t remember what’s on any ceiling of a gynecologist’s exam room. Nothing would relax me in there. I assume everything was in place since you didn’t mention that. Ha ha!
KateHall No, it had migrated to my colon! Only kidding. Yes, it was exactly where it was supposed to be. Pushing on my bladder. 🙂
No!!!!!! And they just chat away like there’s nothing to worry about! It is the most awkward thing to do. I remember when I gave birth to my daughter, I told the doctor and nurses if they would mind not to look at my lady parts, they laugh and thought it was hilarious, but I was being serious … Dead serious …..
By the way Katy, I have the IUD for 2 years now, and it is great, I don’t spend money in tampons anymore!!! TMI????
Elissa R No such thing as TMI to a blogger like me. To my dad? Sure. But not me.
Elisaa, I remember my first ultrasound with my son, and they had every technician and their cousin come in to get a lesson on how to use the new machine. I thought they should have at least charged admission and popped some popcorn or something. Talk about a circus!
Love when people open up about TMI subjects! Who DID design those ceilings?!?
Kate Another Clean Slate The same guy who designed panty hose. And high heels. And speculums.
My gynecologist doesn’t even have tropical fish ceiling tiles… Just regular, white, boring ones.
But I do have to say that after having a colposcopy – which resulted in a biopsy with NO anesthesia (OUCH!!!) -, childbirth, and the insertion of the Mirena IUD, gynecological exams hardly phase me anymore. You just can’t compare the pain – they’re not even in the same spectrum. I’ve found that the best thing for me is to relax as much as I can and go to a “happy place” in my mind.
Or try to remember where I put the piece of paper that I had written my concerns on so that I didn’t forget to ask. Because, you know, it helps SO MUCH when you write things down that you don’t want to forget and then you end up forgetting where you put the paper that has the things you didn’t want to forget. 😉
I’ve had the Mirena IUD for 6 months. Aside from the pain during insertion, I LOVE IT. I cannot remember to take pills every day and I gained a bunch of weight on Depo (I’ve since lost it and then some). I do not plan to have more children so this seemed like the best long term choice for me and I’m so happy I did it. I hope you have the same luck with yours! 🙂
Out of curiosity, did you take the picture DURING your exam? Or did you wait until he left the room? LOL!
Haha! I took them after he left the room. I was all panicky like he was just going to bust in the room and say, “Ah ha! I caught you!” I don’t know why I was so paranoid, but I took it really fast. I would make a horrible reporter.