Nobody Puts Katy in a Corner

Motherhood. There’s nothing quite like it. I would venture to say that Martha Stewart’s sentence vacation in a federal prison was more like a Caribbean holiday compared to the trenches of motherhood. I bet no one pooped on her in there. No one stood next to her and purposefully peed on her foot like she was a human fire hydrant. I doubt she was subjected to Wonder Pets. And then was horrified to catch herself singing it the rest of the day. I bet Martha got to watch all the Judge Joe Brown her little heart desired. And I confess that I envy her for that.

Since Martha (street name: “M Diddy”) was at a women’s facility, I can imagine she lived and breathed girl talk. I don’t have many conversations with my girlfriends – wait, we could end that sentence right there! But I don’t have many conversations with my girlfriends that don’t include some sort of disturbing interruption like, “I’m sorry, hang on a sec…sweetie, will you PLEASE stop licking the floor?” I’m sure Martha sat at that communal table with her cup of piping, hot coffee and swapped soufflé recipes.

I’m not sure about the “facilities” in prison, but I bet defecation was not a spectator sport. No one was just looking up at her like, “Are you done yet? ‘Cause I’m gonna swirl my hand around in there just to make you puke. And then I’m gonna smear it on my sister.”

Yes, even prison can seem like a holiday when you hold it side by side with screaming babies, lack of sleep and this nagging feeling that you’re doing it all completely wrong.

And then let’s compound the challenges of motherhood with this tidal wave of guilt coming from other mothers who have “figured it out.” Y’all know who I’m talking about. They have ALL the answers on how to make spinach taste like ice cream, how to use cloth diapers to save the universe, how to breastfeed your child until they go to graduate school, and how to do all this while keeping things “steamy” in places my dad won’t want to read about. I’m sorry. This is not that kind of blog.

You’re not going to learn how to make “Keep Calm and Love Yourself” signs out of reclaimed wood on this site. Because signs that tell me to keep calm just annoy the crap out of me. Calm is what happens BEFORE you have children. And never again after that.

This blog is for the rest of us. Those of us who are a hot mess 99% of the time. Those who would love to actually DO those things we see on Pinterest. But probably never will. Those of us who admit that we have at times needed prescription medications to get through the day. Those of us whose kids aren’t geniuses, or Olympians or American Idol material. Those of us who aren’t afraid to say that we are sinners who stink at this motherhood thing sometimes.

I think we mothers – especially Christian mothers – do each other a disservice when we try to appear that we have it all together. It’s a lie. Not one of us does. And not one of us will until we are face to face with our Maker. What an awesome day that will be!

This blog is for REAL moms. Moms who know exhausted. Like mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Moms who know anger. Like hit-my-child-again-and-I’ll-knock-you-into-next-week anger. Moms who know pain. Contractions, anyone? Those who know fear. The fear that your child is dead in a ditch somewhere because you couldn’t “love them enough” to keep them off of drugs. Those who know sorrow. Like the unimaginable sorrow of losing a child. But not all moms know how to say, “I need help!”

This blog is dedicated to those moms. My vision for this site is simply to provide an outlet for me to share my real, honest mommy stories and to hopefully inspire others to share as well. Of course, I’ll share the proud moments (“My kid just took a crap in a plastic bowl…”) as well as the not-so-proud moments (“too bad he ruined dinner!”).

But the objective here is and will always be to honor God with my life and my words. So you won’t find profanity here – only the occasional “crap.” And if I find profane language in the comments here, I will promptly edit them out and insert in Dr. Seuss words. No exceptions. The Internet is so full of smut, and I’m determined to make this a fun and “safe” place to go. Like my Grandmother always says, “People who use profanity just don’t have a very large vocabulary.” You might guess that my love for writing stems from her. And then there’s my dad whose secret desire is to be a stand-up comedian. Hold your breath for that one.

So, “Katy in a Corner” is my cyber time-out corner. You know, I think the time-out method of discipline for our two-year-old is about as effective as…our current method of birth control. Two kids in 18 months. Think about it. But I do think time-outs work wonders for us mothers.

Hopefully, “Katy in a Corner” will become your own virtual time-out to laugh with me. Or at me. Or both.

God Bless,

Katy (in a corner)

Disclaimer:  Of course I’m THRILLED when I learn that people of all ages and backgrounds – even a few brave men read my blog posts. Just please understand that you do so at your own risk. My friend Bo first heard the term “mucous plug” on a mommy blog (not mine!), and I’m pretty sure he still has nightmares. But rest assured that everything I write goes through the “will this make my dad nauseous?” filter. And his threshold is pretty low.