The Housekeeper, The Rapture, The Other Housekeeper, and the Toilet Paper “V”

It was unfortunate timing, really. We hired a housekeeper several months ago anticipating my need for some help while my husband travels with the military. I know, I’m lazy. And also fabulously wealthy.

“Can someone PLEASE turn up the TV and pass me the bonbons? And WHERE is the nanny? One of my children is screaming, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is about to come on!”

So this truly sweet young woman is what I would call a work-in-progress professionally. Poor thing didn’t have a ride most of the time. Well, she did, but he wasn’t legally allowed to come on the Army post where we live. Don’t ask. Bless her heart.

But she was cheap. Like neighborhood lemonade stand cheap, and that’s what I was looking for. So I thought.

When I received a text from her a few weeks ago that resulted in a lot of back and forth about the rapture (yes, you read that right) and subsequently ended with two military investigators at my door, I decided it was time to find someone a bit more…reliable. Actually, if we’re being totally real here, she flat out quit. Because of the microchips and all. The ones the government will implant. Bless her heart, she was watching YouTube late one night and it just digressed from there. Honestly, people, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Attention: Do not wander through YouTube alone at night. Unless you’re going here: https://www.youtube.com/user/katymorgan81. And then you have my permission.

This all happened mere days before my husband left to go on a military exercise in Hawaii. I know, tough life all around, right? This entire rant, by the way, is what we would call a first world problem. And I realize that.

Regardless, I needed the help, and my housekeeper is “preparing for the rapture” and refuses to come over here.

So, a fellow military spouse tells me about her fabulous housekeeper who just might have an opening. To let you know, this friend of mine is a bit of a type-A who cleans her kitchen table with Q-tips to get the dirt that settles into the cracks. I feed my kids old pieces of cereal we find under cushions in the couch. Yeah, this lady should work. If she’s good enough for the Q-tip Queen, she’s GRAVY for me.

And she was. I walked around our house after she left and breathed in the smell of cleanliness I didn’t have to do while screaming, “PLEASE stop chewing on the vacuum cleaner!” There were lines in the sofa from where she vacuumed it. It was beautiful.

Oh, man! I just realized she probably sucked JJ’s breakfast out of there. Must make a cereal run in the morning.

Also, she did that little “V” thing with the toilet paper.

You had me at hello. You had me. at. hello.