A Valentine’s Vignette

As I perused aisle after aisle of cheap, kitschy Valentine’s Day crap in Target yesterday, I had a flashback to what this holiday was like when I was a child. Those days when my happiness actually revolved around whether or not some cute boy’s mom went to the trouble of buying me heart-shaped erasers and Conversation Hearts. You know, the stuff that demonstrates real love.

Most of my Valentine’s Days were a whopping disappointment because 1) I didn’t have a boyfriend, 2) the boys who gave me Valentines were usually the ones who smelled like McDonald’s tater tots (I’m not even kidding about that one), 3) the boy who gave me a gold necklace had to get it back because he stole it from his mom’s jewelry box (again, not kidding), or 4) the boy I liked was in love with Hayley instead.

Ugh, Hayley. This girl made out like a bandit every stinking Valentine’s Day. I was in school with her from 3rd grade until 11th grade. I won’t lie when I say that I was glad she graduated a year earlier than we did (because she was not only gorgeous, she was a genius as well). Y’all, I looked like Shrek next to Hayley. Pretty much everyone did. I mean, I guess she was the type of girl any guy would want to give his Valentines to based on beauty, brains and overall likeability…if that’s your thing.

All I’m saying is that Hayley owes me a LOT of Conversation Hearts. That’s all I’m saying.

(This is the stuff restraining orders are made of.)

So, in memory of the angst I experienced as a girl who did not realize the lifelong ramifications of a bad perm, I asked our 16-month-old, Averi, to act out a Valentine’s Vignette.

Enjoy!

(First, you have to imagine her with a brushed out, frizzy perm. Okay, now proceed.)

Ooooooooohhhhhhhh! I’m so excited that today is Valentine’s Day! I can’t wait to see what Justin got his mom to get me.

Hi, Justin! I really like the Ninja Turtles Valentine you got me. That Donatello is a pretty romantic fella. Listen, I couldn’t help but notice that you had a box of chocolates in your He-man backpack, and I was wondering…is there something you forgot to give me?

Oh. That’s for Hayley, huh? I see. No…no, that’s fine. I know she’s already got 37 boxes of chocolates, but she could always use another one.

(Runs – no, walks briskly to avoid hall monitor – to bathroom and bursts into tears.)

I hope she gets fat from all that chocolate!

WHY doesn’t anyone love me enough to get me something significant like a stuffed animal or a slap bracelet?

(Meanwhile, back in class.)

What do you want, Ray? Can’t you see I’m lamenting my lack of Valentines here?

Oh. YOU got me a Valentine? Ok. You weren’t my first choice, but I’ll open it.

Whoa! Is that 14 karat gold? Wow, Ray! I didn’t know you felt that way about me. I…um…I have a Valentine for you…somewhere…

NO! Don’t look in my bag. I must have left it at home. I’ll bring it tomorrow.

(Meanwhile, back at home…)

Mom, are you trying to tell me that Ray stole that necklace from his mother, and now I have to return the ONLY Valentine’s Day gift I received? Uh, WHY does 5th grade have to be so PAINFUL?

And she lived dramatically ever after.