Armchair Politicians

During the Presidential debate this past Tuesday, a Facebook friend of mine – actually, she’s a real, live friend of mine who lives across the street – appropriately identified some of her Facebook friends as “armchair politicians.” She’s referring to those who have never played the politics “game,” yet they seem to have so much to say about it.

I happen to like her analogy.

My friend drew a parallel between amateur, political commentators and “armchair quarterbacks” who’ve never played the game of football. They’ve never worn pads, heard a referee’s whistle in their ear, or had the wind knocked out of them by a 6’7″, 325 lb. lineman. But they still seem to have ALL the answers about the game of football.

I’m one of these armchair politicians.

Actually, I’m more like the obnoxious play-by-play announcer in the booth who makes everyone wonder, “Why is this nut on the air? I wish she would shut up so I can just enjoy the game!” Honestly, y’all, I’m only here for the free hot dogs.

And even though I promised everyone (including myself) that I wouldn’t, I blew up Facebook this past Tuesday night during the debate. See, I’m not a sit and watch kind of person…but Brian is. So, I pretty much said what I was thinking to my Facebook friends instead of him.

You’re welcome, dear.

Amidst my rapid-fire thumb typing, I spotted a few different “positions” on this team of Facebook Fantasy Political Football, and I thought it would be fun to identify them for you all here today.

We had the quarterbacks who made comments like this:

Here’s what everyone should read if they are a responsible voter…

And then they post a link to some obscure news source/dissertation chock full of statistics and detailed information.

These people make a play-by-play person like me nuts. I click on the link, scroll all the way down to the bottom of this “Hail Mary” of an article and say to myself, “No way am I going to do all that reading. Let’s hear someone sum it up in 140 characters.”

Quarterbacks, you’re great. The world needs more quarterbacks. But you could work a little on your “slant.” Give us some shorter passes now and then.

Then we have the offensive linemen.

They’re skilled at defending their position through brute aggression with little need for factual information. They go straight for the chop block.

They say things like,

Candidate ‘A’ is an idiot, and Candidate ‘B’ is a swindling swine.

These offensive linemen can sometimes…offend. But when you’re a lineman, you don’t need to explain. You’re a 6’7″, 325 lb. mass of intimidation, and no one is going to mess with you.

(And for the record, I don’t personally have any Facebook friends who match that description. Just thought I’d “throw” that out there.)

On the flip side, we have the cheerleaders.

They say things like,

I think BOTH candidates did so well tonight. And didn’t their wives look adorable? I just love a spirited debate! Goooooooo democracy!

They post pictures of themselves watching the debate while baking something they saw on Pinterest. They’re very careful not to offend because they realize that, after all, it’s just a game.

Then we have the coaches.

They’re the ones who FLIP OUT if you tell them you don’t plan to vote. Do NOT tell a coach you don’t care about the game. Tell a cheerleader. Coaches will lecture you from now to eternity. Because, to them, it is not “just a game.” They eat, sleep and breathe this game! These are also the people who already look forward to the 2016 election.

Finally, we have the benchwarmers.

These are the ones who sit silently and just watch the game. They follow their Facebook status feed as closely as they follow the debates. They may even get frustrated, passionate or excited about what they read. They are definitely part of the team, but they never engage the other players.

They think to themselves,

I’m happy to just let everyone else look like an idiot. It’s quite entertaining!

I learned something valuable from this last Presidential debate. I learned not to make any promises I can’t keep. Like promises to keep my mouth shut or my fingers still.

So, for the final debate next Monday night, I decided not to try to force the play-by-play girl in me to sit on the bench.

You have been adequately warned.

So, are you one of these “positions,” or a different one entirely?