I think a smile is one of the most important external features on a person. Because smiles are contagious. Have you ever heard of someone catching an eye twitch from another person? Of couse not! Or a cold sore? Wait, forget that one. My point is that smiles are contagious. For that very reason, they happen to be rather expensive to obtain if you weren’t already blessed with giant, perfect Julia Roberts teeth.Julia Roberts. Now there’s a woman with a million dollar smile. I bet her orthodontist is living it up right now—driving around in a Porsche wearing Ray-Bans and listening to some James Taylor (really rich people always listen to James Taylor).
I mean, have you ever met an orthodontist who doesn’t drive a sports car?
Exactly.
But, I wasn’t quite prepared for what orthodontic care might mean to my monthly “beautification budget.” I totally just made that up, but I bet my husband is creating a category on iBank right now as we speak…or as you read…or as I type and you read.
I’m an awesome writer.
On my last visit to my dentist way back in September, she suggested that I visit an orthodontist in Kansas City to see if I have wisdom teeth playing hide-and-seek in my skull. My dentist didn’t have the equipment to see that far back into my mouth, and I wasn’t willing to let them gag me ONE MORE TIME. Science, can’t you just invent an x-ray method that doesn’t induce vomit?
Actually, they did.
And this Porsche-driving orthodontist in Kansas City had one. It was great. I sat still while this machine spun around my head, and that was IT. No biting down on a giant piece of poster board while trying not to lose my lunch while wearing a 2-ton flak jacket. Nothing like that.
They were able to check out all three (yes, only three) of my wisdom teeth that are just hanging out in my skull taking up space. Like some unproductive interns just chilling out on Facebook while all the other teeth do the real work. Get to work, wisdom teeth! Actually, no. I’d rather you just hang out there until someone comes to get you. Someone with sedatives.
Since I was at the orthodontist anyway, I decided to have them give me a quote for Invisalign. I never had braces as a kid, but my front teeth started to shift once I became an adult.
I blame hormones.
Always.
When I arrived at what can only be described as the Trump Tower of orthodontist offices, I was greeted by the Bluetooth headset-wearing receptionist who pointed me to the toothbrush bar as well as the coffee/dessert bar. Kid you not. I was waiting for her to show me the martini bar. It never surfaced.
And then this absolutely adorable technician came to get me, and I swore she was going to be my new best friend. She had the cutest personality, and she reminded me so much of my precious friend Donna (who sadly lives far away in Georgia). I so wanted this girl to be my Kansas City Donna. I had pretty much already planned our first coffee and shopping date together…and then she told me how much the Invisalign was going to cost.
And then I broke up with her in my head.
Kansas City Donna, I’ve had cars (recently) that cost half of what you just quoted me. Half. I could buy a 3,500 lb. machine that was made in a factory in Japan that has an engine, air conditioning and probably a CD player. This intricate piece of modern machinery could take me just about anywhere I want to go and would cost HALF of what you just quoted me for two pieces of plastic in the shape of my slightly-crooked teeth. Half.
Ridiculous.
I’ve waited for Kansas City Donna to call. She said she would in two weeks, but it’s been almost three. It’s just as well since I’m going to have to break it to her that I won’t be able to make our bi-monthly date to align my teeth. I just can’t afford to pay for Dr. Ray-Ban’s martini bar.
Kansas City Donna, it’s not you. It’s me.
No. Actually, it’s Dr. Ray-Ban.
Now I need one of my kids to become an orthodontist so mama can afford straight teeth.
So, I got the Play-Doh Doctor Drill ‘N Fill set for JJ. I found it next to the Play-Doh Porsche set.
Friends, don’t forget that today is the last day to enter to win a FREE 4-slice toaster. Check out the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, and leave a comment to enter!
I’ve never noticed you having crooked teeth. Are you photoshopping? I’m amazed how far the orthos have come since I was a teen. Two of my kids visit one regularly. They have iPads in the waiting room for kids to play games, check FB, etc. the other day, they had a digital screen on the wall with a fireplace burning on it. I totally thought I was in Vermont.
@KateHall I don’t Photoshop my photos unless my kids have crap all over their faces, because that just makes me feel like a bad mom. However, I do have a lighting and makeup team that follows me around all day to ensure all of my photos are taken at the appropriate angle for the amount of shift in my teeth. All of them are paid a full salary with benefits and they STILL COST LESS THAN DR. RAY-BAN!
Even the ugly metal braces cost a ton. My poor husband had to get them, as he had a hard time even biting down. His nickname at work is Jaws.
Try $2k to replace one freaking single tooth.Don’t forget to add in the Two root canals at $300 and the $900 Microscopic root canal at the endodontics for a grand total of $3500 just to not look like a hilljack. Bye bye tax return!
Love this!!!