Resurrecting the Class Clown

I know for certain I successfully made it through 13 years of public school, though there are very few things I actually remember. I could probably only recall a dozen or so specific memories:

1)  There was the science teacher who accidentally wrote a 4-letter-word on the board.

That’s a pretty memorable event when you’re in middle school.

2)  Then the same teacher made us blow up balloons and make decorations for her dog’s birthday party.

Okie-dokie.

3)  And then she sat in front of the entire class on a barstool with her zipper down THE entire day. No one told her.

I still feel bad I never told her.

4)  And then there was another teacher—NO! Actually, the same one!—who told us that she was a reincarnated peach tree.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

5)  And then there was the boy who kissed me on the mouth (uninvited, thank you) in front of my sex ed teacher. I was MAD. I may have slapped his face.

And that summarizes absolutely everything I learned in middle school.

Oh, but there was one more thing:

6)  I performed a weekly, one-woman show.

One of my classes took place in a trailer, and our teacher would go AWOL for hours at a time at least once a week. I now believe that she had some significant problems in her personal life. Honestly, I’m not so sure I wouldn’t also hide under my desk and shoot rubber bands at the students if I taught middle school. (Yes, that actually happened.)

I would be cray cray for sure.

So, when our teacher would leave and stay gone for hours, I would perform a one-woman show in front of the entire class. Now, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but it was a “challenge” class for gifted students (pretty sure the teacher was on the take from my parents). These students went on to be successful doctors, attorneys, pilots, engineers, and teachers.

Yeah. All but one.

And there I would stand at the front of the room singing and strumming an air guitar to the tune of “Come to My Window” by Melissa Etheridge. Only, my version was “Come to My Trailer…she’ll be back soon.” I’m pretty sure the encore (they always asked for one) would include me hanging upside-down on the door handle—like it was a monkey bar—until my teacher would come back and open the trailer door with me still attached to it.

Aaaaaaaaand scene.

How in the WORLD I made it through school with anything above an “F” is beyond me.

So, I told you that ridiculous amount of background to tell you what happened to me outside Target this week. As we drove through the parking lot to leave, we noticed a car with some writing on the windows. When we got closer, we noticed it was a newlywed couple’s car with the typical post-wedding humor. Like this:

And this:

I found it pretty hilarious, so I asked Brian to park behind the car so I could jump out and snap a few photos.

Our timing couldn’t have been more perfect, because as I stood two feet from this vehicle, an adorable couple in their twenties came toward me holding hands like they still liked each other. So, I knew it had to be them. (Kidding, honey.)

Me:  [Sigh.] “This is your car, isn’t it?”

She:  “Yeah.”

Me:  “Oh, wow. Um…I thought the writing was hilarious, so I wanted to snap a few photos.”

She:  “Yeah, we thought it was funny too.”

[Uncomfortable pause.]

Me:  [Snapped another photo] “Well, take care. And congratulations!”

She:  “Um…thanks.”

Me:  [As I’m running back to our car] “I’ll be honest, I’m pretty embarrassed you caught me! Bye!”

She:  “…”

Brian couldn’t stop laughing at my embarrassment. My face was burning, my hands were shaking, and I was mortified that this couple had caught me red-handed.

But why? Why could I sing (horribly) and swing from a door handle like a wild monkey back when I was 13, but now I’m embarrassed to get caught snapping a photo with my iPhone? It’s silly. And it bothered me.

It bothered me because I spent my entire childhood on the stage, and I was obviously very comfortable with my life as an improv, classroom performer.

Obviously. Arguably a bit TOO comfortable.

But I lost some of that along the way to adulthood, and I’m on a mission to bring it back. In front of a live audience.

Sans air guitar and hanging upside-down…maybe.

Y’all may know that I worked for several years as a “motivational” speaker and that I recently spoke at a blogging conference. But I want to take it out of my comfort zone even further and pursue stand-up (or at least predominantly comedic) material.

I haven’t even figured out most of the logistics yet, but my (now very public) goal is to get at least one stand-up show under my belt by the end of the year. Even if I have to crash a middle school challenge class to do it.

[Yes, I’d like to report a possible nutcase on the loose at the middle school. Yeah…you’ll see her. She’s playing air guitar.]

Okay, your turn.

What are your wildest goals or ambitions?