The Milk Debacle

I don’t like to think that my husband and I are lazy parents, but we totally are. In some ways. I’m not exactly proud of it. But let’s just be real here. Take this scenario, for example:

It’s 10 p.m., and we realize we have NO MILK. If you know our two-year-old, you understand what a freak-out-and-call-the-coast-guard moment this is for us. But instead of either of us hopping in the car and driving approximately 13 seconds to the nearest store or gas station, Brian concocts a plan.

And if you know anything about my husband, you understand my agony just listening to it. First of all, he’s an industrial engineer. So what, exactly, is the most EFFICIENT way to get milk into our fridge? Also, he’s a pilot. So let’s get a fifteen-step checklist to deal with this emergency scenario.

I consider gouging out my eardrums at least once every day.

So, Brian had some ideas for how to solve the milk debacle:

1.  Katy goes to the store at 10 p.m. But she would rather go to bed.

2.  Brian goes to the store at 10 p.m. But he would rather “go to bed.”

3.  Brian goes to the store with JJ in the morning before Averi wakes up – which leaves Katy alone in the morning with Averi, the screaming terror. No can do.

4.  Brian goes to the store with both children in the morning. But if JJ wakes up long before Averi, he has to endure the wrath of JJ with no milk.

(This is about the time I lose the will to live. For Pete’s sake, how many options are there, Brian?!?!? And yet he continues…)

5.  We still have some old, toddler formula hiding in the cabinet. But it’s been so long since he had it he will probably hate it. Have you ever tried formula? It’s like drinking orange juice from a metal cup!

6.  We mix half and half with water.

Naturally, I did the reasonable thing and opted for option #6. Once I made sure I’d have enough cream for my morning coffee. Let’s not have JJ without milk AND me without coffee. That’d be like watching a couple of rabid cats trapped in a pillowcase. Ugly. Very ugly.

So, like any responsible mother, I Googled “can I make whole milk by mixing half and half with water?” And when I saw the 3,050,000 results, I realized I wasn’t the only deadbeat mom out there. Imagine my relief! Also, lots of single, college dudes had this problem. Which then made me feel pretty lazy. However, Brian and I were confident JJ wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. I mean, it’s not like we’re giving him buttermilk or lemon juice, right?

The Results:

Brian decided to try the formula first. JJ took one swig of it and exclaimed, “Oh noooooo! Milk is DOWN.” (This is code for “really, dad? YOU drink that crap!”) But he totally drank the half and half mixed with water. Or, as Brian would say, the 1/4 & 1/4 and 1/2. I love it when he talks fractions.

So, JJ got his “milk,” Brian didn’t have to deal with a tantrum, and I got to sleep late.

Win-win-win.

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