When Hairy Met Salsa

Dear Mustached Men of the World,

We need to talk.I think it’s amazing (truly) what you’ve done this Movember to raise awareness for men’s health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer. For that, I have the deepest respect. But there’s just one thing. There appears to be a woodland creature that chose to nest on your face. And it’s disturbing.

I know I can’t speak for all the women in the world. Yes, I’m sure there are those who think that Burt Reynolds and the Quaker Oats guy are fine, male specimens. And I’m sure there are wives of mustached men who love nothing more than exfoliating their face by kissing a Brillo pad each and every day.

But the fact is that the rest of us have to watch you eat, and, quite frankly, it’s horrifying.

Dear mustached man, your wife won’t tell you this, but there is nothing more disgusting than a man with a thick mustache eating yogurt. Or peanut butter. Or watermelon. Or popcorn. Or…anything.

(Hey! My husband has a mustache, and I think it’s hot!)

Men, it is time to stop making liars of your wives and shave that nasty mess so they don’t have to pretend any more. We all know how manly you are and that you can sprout hair within hours on command. We’ve seen your armpits, and we’re amazed.

But please, I beg you, save us all from the thought of you eating salsa.

I have to go throw up now.

Sincerely,

Mortified in Montgomery

P.S. – Do you know what looks more ridiculous than that caterpillar on your face?

This:

Also, this:

Finally, don’t forget to check out the music video at the beginning of this post. It perfectly captures the spirit of the manly mustache…and the wives who loathe it.

“That bushy bundle was a fertile jungle of ideas changing the world.”

Well, guys, when you put it that way…

I have to throw up again.